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06 November 2008 @ 10:03 pm
Well, whaddyaknow?!!  
Hi LJ

Not sure how to start so, be warned: this post can be detrimental to your health!

Kinda

well, since the last post - whats been happening? i think ill start from now and work backwards:

i am working as an adminstrative bore at norfolk county council, where i have been since june. this came after i spent a disaterous 6 months at pitman training, a place full of morons, backstabbers, stupid, innapropriate people = the staff. my first interview there was with a man who had a permanent veil of blood streaming down his teeth into a dry and crusty pit of skin on his bottom lip.... i shouldve known better. i wrongly used my optimism and made myself think that it would be great - mostly because they wanted to pay me a reasonable wage - something i hadnt had for a while, if ever! but, long story short - i left, it was all very bitter and wierd, but i made a friend - an angry polish fella called mariusz - we still hang out, mostly to be really mean to eachother for a couple of hours, but in a friendly gest-y way. i like him, he's cool and educates me on history. i dont really listen, but he thinks i do. he thinks that english are poorly educated, and the polish are cunts. i worry for him sometimes!!

my current state of mind is unknown to me, i often think this - but i think it is justified when you havent ever experienced that state.. if you get me! you dont rememberthings wot you aint experienced before. but yes - i am feeling poorly again, mostly down to womb trauma. i have heavy periods etc, so have now had a contraption inserted into my womb to help - but this means that i am in terrible pain a lot. BUT - what a whore bag, my trauma is not trauma. in comparrison to other traumas available to individuals. i seem to be developing a need to become severely ill, brought on by the fact that by treating my ailments, i still dont feel better. it is psychological i am sure, i think it might even be munchausens disease or something wrong like that. it only occured to me after i had visited the docs because i had freaked myself out so much that i though i had toxic shock syndrome, or an infection from the coil. there was nothing wrong, it is common to be in pain - and should fade. i put myself through another examination, and am horrified at how distanced i now seem from my lady parts - it feels so unrelated to me that it may aswell be in a jar in the kitchen. strange, i wonder what is wrong. it is interesting, in a fucked up kinda way - i wonder if i am subconciously making myself feel ill so i can justify feeling shitty all the time. its easier i guess, to say that your womb has fallen off that to admit to feeling mentally inadequate!

i am finding myself of late challenging everything, especially my own thoughts - so much so that i am unsure of what i believe in or stand for. it is a frightening place to be. my morals are questioned, i challenge my feelings, and as a result am normally so absorbed in arguing with life as i percieve it that things are passing me by. if i wasnt me, i would be the girl that sits quietly and pretends to listen, but i just cant keep my gob shut! dont ever believe me when i get passionate or emotional about something, because after another fag, or a sandwich, or some beans - i'll probably change my mind anyway.

my social skills are falling behind, because i seem to feel anst everywhere i go which puts me on edge - this is only in public, i am fine ish whith small gatherings. i build things up soooo much in my mind that i often ruin my own experience. sometimes i may melt down in public, but it isnt in a hide in the cubicle, sob, sob, kind of way. i get angry and attack cowards and nob heads and pick on people - so very, very, undesireable!

i have a natural urge to rebel against things, i always have - this is because of my childhood i imagine, everything is isnt it freud? but yes, this is something that has always been a given in my existence. i rebel mostly against things which are percieved to be the 'right' or 'good' thing to do. im not saying that i enjoy being horrible to people, but - i dont go to work as often as i should, i smoke to much - beans and tobacco, i drink too much, i'm lazy, i have a negative attitude to most things relating to myself - which is strange because i belive myself to be very selfish. this i must add is because i have been told this, a few times now - but i dont know how to shake it off. i dont know how to get whats best for me, or maybe i do but i rebel against it because its boring! i'm always seeking a buzz, or a hype and these things normally stem from a session of perhaps narcotics, or booze - it dont matter to me, as long as i get my high i dont mind where it comes from!

i am doing positive things, and am being as proactive as my brain will et me - but still no results that make me want to jump up and shout about it, brag about it and share it with people.

i am obsessed with worrying, and feel that worry is the thing that keeps me ticking. but it hurts me so much that it makes me cry - i long for an existence of not worrying, about myself and my nearest and dearest, but then i wonder, what would i think about? happy thoughts? what happy thoughts, i know there are some, but there doesnt seem to be enough to occupy the majority of my time! i always want to occupy time, but never with boring work, or dinner paries and the such - i want to dance, and drink gin and talk about nothing until the morning! but not onschool nights... bla, bla - i want to do it when i feel the urge - not save it for the weekend!

i need to be rich, but the only way to achieve it is throuhg working hard and normally being some kind of corporate whore or a jobsworth - neither of which are likely to happen!

i would like a big yacht - i would collect my friends and we would sail, on the sea? i dont know, but there would be life jackets on board and at least half of the attendants would have their certificate in lifeguarding! i long for a life of not worrying about money or resposibilities, but...... THATS LIFE.... its a shit life if you ask me, no fun - apart from your annual holiday to the costa del whatever, or maybe you'll be lucky and rich enough to go somewhere exiting and lock yourself in an 'all inclusive' compound and never see the real world.

bah.

i would apologise for ranting, but i probably dont mean it. but who knows!

peace xxxx

ps - i used to be funny too. where did that go!!

xx
 
 
 
The following and the followed: gerrrrrarrrrrrrrrdmissbeatrice on November 14th, 2008 01:24 pm (UTC)
Oh lady, you are still funny! :) the world is terrible, it isnt our faults... xxxxxx
rahrahruddrahrahrudd on November 24th, 2011 04:25 pm (UTC)
Update from Nov 11
Hahahahah! This made me laugh a lot. Wow, what a whinge fest. But more to the point, I quite a job last week which was exactly like Pitman all those years ago! From the first interview, I didnt want to work there, from day one until the final day when I quit, I hated it. I have learned to follow my instict. Kind of!