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09 February 2013 @ 03:49 pm
today i feel a little depressed. i put this down to 2 things: 1 - the curse 2 - i drank too much 2 nights in a row. oh and there is a third, insomnia. yep. i have pills for it and everything. i cant drink with them obv so when i am drinking i sleep badly.

so i have moved to a new part of town, the flat is nice - some shonkyness within, for example, i had to move the bed as i am too tall for it to have stayed where it was. anyway, bed moved - and i can see brick work. they only took the bleeding skirting board off to fit the bed in. nobs. the agency have emailed the landlord (who i already consider to be a dick due to his shoddy workmanship and the fact that the flat wasnt cleaned to a high standard when i moved in. last tennants food remnants in the grill pan) and i have said i will fit the skirting board if he provides it.

i fucking hate renting. seriously. hate it.

oh, a fourth reason to be depressed - british gas.

i work at that educational establishment again! yep - the one i was at 6 years ago. back then i was a receptionist, i am now a specialist adviser on teice the salary. cool. the place is still the same though.

so, i knocked all of my friends over the weekend, yesterday i turned down opportunity to go out, i turned down an invite to a cool party tonight which i was really excited about, i also turned down my friend and her baba who were going to visit me. why? just dont feel sociable today.

on a more positive note, i have eaten today. im not anorexic by any means but i dont eat much these days. cant be bothered. i still eat every day but its not always a full meal. today i feel like i need to take care of myself. cook some food, take the recycling out, wash my hair etc. then tomorrow is sunday, i wont be hungover and i will hopefully have slept properly.

i guess im holding a mini-intervention.

shame about the party tonight, there are probably loads of hot boys there. oh well.
31 December 2012 @ 12:55 am

i decided not to read my last posts, because i remember vaguely the last one. i'm sure it spoke of optimism and fear in equal measures. Things were looking up, i'd bought a house with mr m, got a 'decent' job and thought it was the dream. i recall dining out on that feeling for quite some time. i looked at unhappy people and thought 'god. at least i'm ok.' fucktard.

as i write this, i am sat on my friends sofa, thinking 'i miss my sofa' its the hippo sofa. its long enough to accommodate my lengthy bones, and is also an adequate bed. Tino wants it gone, so i guess i'll have to take it. its just a massive sofa that doesnt fit through conventional doorways. ive seen too many people spend too many calculative hours, discussing angles, and finally getting it free from the fucking doorway. anyway, i love that sofa. i bought it for £40, should have been £50 but i followed advice and bartered. i won. got a king sized bed on the cheep too. i'm going to take the sofa, i just hope whichever man in a van i book at a too late hour, will be man enough to move/transport/calculate how to get it in and out of houses. it'd help if he was an engineer, Tino is one of them, it is handy.

Today, i sort of fixed a toilet. the toilet in question was a bit on its last legs, but today i flushed with an urgency that broke it. it wasnt that hard, and the toilet would have eventually broken anyway. its a known issue. so, i broke it, and then instead of panicking i looked online at screwfix. i took a picture of the bit that broke. at first i couldnt figure out what that part was called etc, so i sent the picture to tino. before he had replied, i had solved it, written the number i needed and went to get it.

then i'm in scewfix. i alwways feel out of place in there, because it is lined with testosterone, but, short, middle aged testosterone - the worst kind. anyway, got my bit, felt uncomfortable, got a burger and some coffees and went to my firends house.

we had corperate coffee, and i smoked her fags, standard. we talked about boys. i cried a bit, but literally only a bit. ive joined OKC for a giggle/laugh/sob. i worry that i will be eternally alone because i am weird, and have more hair than a woman is supposed to have. i feel vulnerable. however, i think its practical for my think box, i am guarded, so if any mother fucker tries to fuck with me bad things will happen.

martn and i broke up about 3 weeks ago. a variety of things lead the this. nothing amazing, nothing filthy, but yes, to say that the man had sought the attention of other ladies would be kind of an understatement. i get it though, and thats the weird thing. it still hurts though. he didnt cheat on me. enough said.

so, in conclusion, i am housesitting while my firends are away through the festive season. so far, i have cleaned up a ridiculous amount of cat shit, shared amazing cat cuddles at night by the lovely mew - who i just thought was a protective ninja, but turns out to be a belly rub loving gorgeousness and hugo. always gets something allover his face, tonight was dusty cat litter. i just layed with him next to the radiator and he too loves a tummy rub. sookie has been fed. i'll go home tomorrow to start oacking stuff, and then might go to anoter friends nye thing. she says im allowed to stay on the sofa. i might do that.

my new flat, is amazing. pretty. taking ages to sort because my credit rating is soooo shit. but what better way to imrpove it. i also have a new credit card on the way. (one designed for reprobates like me.)(i'm not a reprobate. fo reals!)

24 November 2011 @ 04:00 pm
Thursday 24th November 2011..... well in short:

1. I am unemployed after essentially quitting 2 jobs in as many months.
2. In the next week or so I will find out if I am to be a home owner.
3. If I become a home owner I will be in charge of getting the house to a liveable standard.
4. Today I have lived like a teenage boy. In my Elvis boxer type PJ's with a reebox top from the 90's. Watching music tv and eating beans, making mix tapes on spotify.
5. Yesterday I lived like a teenage girl. I took myself to see the Rpatz film shortly after having a pint (and a cheeky half!) in a Wetherspoons pub.
6. Martin is in Turkey 'on business'. Hah! Swine!
7. I have a cat. Storm.
8. I have a guinea pig - Sookie. She had a play written about her a short while ago.
9. I am still obsessed with Andrew Lincoln.
10. I quite like lists.
06 November 2008 @ 10:03 pm

Not sure how to start so, be warned: this post can be detrimental to your health!


well, since the last post - whats been happening? i think ill start from now and work backwards:

i am working as an adminstrative bore at norfolk county council, where i have been since june. this came after i spent a disaterous 6 months at pitman training, a place full of morons, backstabbers, stupid, innapropriate people = the staff. my first interview there was with a man who had a permanent veil of blood streaming down his teeth into a dry and crusty pit of skin on his bottom lip.... i shouldve known better. i wrongly used my optimism and made myself think that it would be great - mostly because they wanted to pay me a reasonable wage - something i hadnt had for a while, if ever! but, long story short - i left, it was all very bitter and wierd, but i made a friend - an angry polish fella called mariusz - we still hang out, mostly to be really mean to eachother for a couple of hours, but in a friendly gest-y way. i like him, he's cool and educates me on history. i dont really listen, but he thinks i do. he thinks that english are poorly educated, and the polish are cunts. i worry for him sometimes!!

my current state of mind is unknown to me, i often think this - but i think it is justified when you havent ever experienced that state.. if you get me! you dont rememberthings wot you aint experienced before. but yes - i am feeling poorly again, mostly down to womb trauma. i have heavy periods etc, so have now had a contraption inserted into my womb to help - but this means that i am in terrible pain a lot. BUT - what a whore bag, my trauma is not trauma. in comparrison to other traumas available to individuals. i seem to be developing a need to become severely ill, brought on by the fact that by treating my ailments, i still dont feel better. it is psychological i am sure, i think it might even be munchausens disease or something wrong like that. it only occured to me after i had visited the docs because i had freaked myself out so much that i though i had toxic shock syndrome, or an infection from the coil. there was nothing wrong, it is common to be in pain - and should fade. i put myself through another examination, and am horrified at how distanced i now seem from my lady parts - it feels so unrelated to me that it may aswell be in a jar in the kitchen. strange, i wonder what is wrong. it is interesting, in a fucked up kinda way - i wonder if i am subconciously making myself feel ill so i can justify feeling shitty all the time. its easier i guess, to say that your womb has fallen off that to admit to feeling mentally inadequate!

i am finding myself of late challenging everything, especially my own thoughts - so much so that i am unsure of what i believe in or stand for. it is a frightening place to be. my morals are questioned, i challenge my feelings, and as a result am normally so absorbed in arguing with life as i percieve it that things are passing me by. if i wasnt me, i would be the girl that sits quietly and pretends to listen, but i just cant keep my gob shut! dont ever believe me when i get passionate or emotional about something, because after another fag, or a sandwich, or some beans - i'll probably change my mind anyway.

my social skills are falling behind, because i seem to feel anst everywhere i go which puts me on edge - this is only in public, i am fine ish whith small gatherings. i build things up soooo much in my mind that i often ruin my own experience. sometimes i may melt down in public, but it isnt in a hide in the cubicle, sob, sob, kind of way. i get angry and attack cowards and nob heads and pick on people - so very, very, undesireable!

i have a natural urge to rebel against things, i always have - this is because of my childhood i imagine, everything is isnt it freud? but yes, this is something that has always been a given in my existence. i rebel mostly against things which are percieved to be the 'right' or 'good' thing to do. im not saying that i enjoy being horrible to people, but - i dont go to work as often as i should, i smoke to much - beans and tobacco, i drink too much, i'm lazy, i have a negative attitude to most things relating to myself - which is strange because i belive myself to be very selfish. this i must add is because i have been told this, a few times now - but i dont know how to shake it off. i dont know how to get whats best for me, or maybe i do but i rebel against it because its boring! i'm always seeking a buzz, or a hype and these things normally stem from a session of perhaps narcotics, or booze - it dont matter to me, as long as i get my high i dont mind where it comes from!

i am doing positive things, and am being as proactive as my brain will et me - but still no results that make me want to jump up and shout about it, brag about it and share it with people.

i am obsessed with worrying, and feel that worry is the thing that keeps me ticking. but it hurts me so much that it makes me cry - i long for an existence of not worrying, about myself and my nearest and dearest, but then i wonder, what would i think about? happy thoughts? what happy thoughts, i know there are some, but there doesnt seem to be enough to occupy the majority of my time! i always want to occupy time, but never with boring work, or dinner paries and the such - i want to dance, and drink gin and talk about nothing until the morning! but not onschool nights... bla, bla - i want to do it when i feel the urge - not save it for the weekend!

i need to be rich, but the only way to achieve it is throuhg working hard and normally being some kind of corporate whore or a jobsworth - neither of which are likely to happen!

i would like a big yacht - i would collect my friends and we would sail, on the sea? i dont know, but there would be life jackets on board and at least half of the attendants would have their certificate in lifeguarding! i long for a life of not worrying about money or resposibilities, but...... THATS LIFE.... its a shit life if you ask me, no fun - apart from your annual holiday to the costa del whatever, or maybe you'll be lucky and rich enough to go somewhere exiting and lock yourself in an 'all inclusive' compound and never see the real world.


i would apologise for ranting, but i probably dont mean it. but who knows!

peace xxxx

ps - i used to be funny too. where did that go!!

03 July 2007 @ 01:31 pm
Good afternoon live journal,

it has indeed been a whiloe, and all number of things have occured since my last visit. namely facespace! the weekend just gone was sepnt in london with missy bea, martin and ginge. we all decided that the best way to celebrate smoking freely in public places, was to go out in the afternoon - drink lots of beer, and smoke all the fags known to man throughout the day/eve/night/following morning etc etc. Once again i haunted gloomy with alices presence, after going back to missy beas and drinking plenty o shots, and even more cider -before proceeding onto the tube with another gigantic bottle o cider. but we did share it with other tube onlookers. we spread the love!

now, the hazey booze fog comes over me. all i can possibly say is that i confessed that i am an amourous drunk, i pretended that i had been kidnapped (although in my defense i probably thought i had, but it was by jerome so doesant matter!!)i repeatedly threw myslef at a pipe wielding beardy man, who was not in the slightest bit interested in me, i lost my firend bea (not strictly true - but thats another story) and then martin put me to bed in the wee hours of the next day - but this was only after i had poured coffee and pie in my new dress. lady bea stayed up drinking once i had passed out.

debauchery central - but my intention was always to get blotto, chain smoke with a number of implements and varieties of niccotine based goods, and scamp around london.

so, mission accomplished. i have now given up smoking - it is my 2nd day inn, and i have to say, the thought of another alcoholic beverage right now - makeds me want to dissapear up my own arse via my pupils!

love and coffee flavoured skirt pie xxxxx
15 June 2007 @ 01:28 pm
hell lj - how the devil are you?!!

as i think i loosely explained before, i have been introduced to the book of faces. only, it is blocked from the internet between 12 - 2pm. meaning that i cannot scamp around in my lunch break.... only during work time!

but, already - i have 21 friends listed. inc amy winehouse, robert kaplinksy, chris moyles, bernard butler, steven patrick morrissey, to name but a few. it really is a frightfully exiting business you know.

this week i have mostly decided that i have to get the feck out of this establishment of work asap - i relised that i have been trampled all over for 2 1/2 years, when my boss told me that i would not be getting a promotion, although i will be doing the job as if i had got it, no payrise (they are actually going to NOT pay me the appropriate pay scale, so effectively - doing the job without the money. so doing it for free) but my boss would encourage me to pick up the dregs that one of the course leaders doesnt want - and i can do the rest on evenings and weekends.......

something twigged in my stupid little brain that sais "reet... you have to put in a big big effort now to find another job. you dont have to stand for this, but be wise - do not cut orf yer nose to spite yer face and all that malarky" so i listened, nodded and agreed in all the right places and left it at that.

since this meeting, i have emailed my CV to many different organisations. one of which are keen to help get me a job, cos the lady ive been dealing with used to work where i work! so, fingers crossed, i will have a new job some time soon. i think it would do me the world of good - something new to concentrate on.

oooooh, by the way - since my last visit to lj i have been declared bankrupt (intentional!) submitted my portfolio for my a1 (nvq assessing qulalification) oooh and organised my party (not that it was hard work, but y'know - time demanding!)

anyway, am now going fer a smoke before my lunch break ceases!

kisses n mulch xxxxxx
Current Location: work
Current Mood: complacentcomplacent
Current Music: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
01 June 2007 @ 12:10 pm
i am really sorry LJ but i have been 'poked' by facebook. and since joining yesterday i have 9 mutual friends already - inc the winehouse! can you offer me such access to the stars? BUT CAN YOU?!!!!

i will remain true to you my friend, but only between the hours of 12 - 2pm as you are the only site of this kind which does not get blocked from work during these hours!

today - i am attired in a kind of goth/fairy ensemble. one of the I.T guys asked me if i meant to dress this way. i did. git. i overslept today due to a hangover, so brought my toothbrush and clinique to work, and spent 10 mins in the bog when i got to work, to dust myslef down, and buff myself up.


i can now put my hair up too. i am growing it long again i think. it goes too crazy while short, and i have never been one for preening my hair on a daily basis. but maybe i should just get some more batiste - that way, one straightening session can last a week - yes 7 whole days!!

batiste. a poor mans wash 'n set.

Current Location: work
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Current Music: radio 1
29 May 2007 @ 01:18 pm
well, what a wet horrible, grey bank holiday it has been. Sunshine arrived on Friday in the shape of missy bea - who arrived at the midnight hour to a mohito (cocktails i was drinking in the pub she found me in!!)

friday night i went out for my friend for her b.day drinks, and had a rather raucous drinking sesh with her hubbys work chums who are lovely, some of which i have invited to my billy go bust party so should be a fair few people there - which obv will make me look tres popular which is always good! on the friday i was a drinking in my old work place and the old manager is back from a few years away working in flashy restaurants in china (i think he said, but at my drunkin state it couldve been chiswick), whom i always got on very well with so stayed back a drinking the cocktails and catching up with the old regulars.... who havent changed one little bit in 4 years!!

then saturday, missy b and i joined unk n boo for breakfast, i had a pint with mine, despite being drunk/hungover/grumpy etc, then we all went back to mine, for more shinanegans. billy rudd was out, so i got trashed on my floor. in my defense, i had badly injured my foot so going out was no option, plus the financial aspect prohibited us somewhat.

so we were joined at random times, by lizard boy and girlf, lady boho goth, ginge and mr M, who all came to listen to the vinyl - mostly bryan ferry as thats what i wanted to hear.

then sunday, napping, laying about, duvet, then skip to monday... where did it all go! my drunken haze merges all into one! and lady bea left at the morning, i tidied up a bit, then mr M came round later in the afternoon where we watched films, and listened to the unrelenting rain.

heavy, heavy, drunken weekend.

i went bankrupt last week, and am a little grumpy about it - but it will pass, i just have more work to do on it before i can leave things to my official receiver. bah. i am also needing to submit a portfolio of work for my A1 assessors cert this week, erm amongst other things that are leaving a stale taste in my mouth at present - so i am really hoping that my current anger leaves me in time for my party on 23rd of this month, and good things loom ahead?????

they have to right????!!!

anyway, i have updated you LJ. a little rushed i know, but you appreciate the effort none the less!

mwa xx
Current Location: work
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: classical fm
22 May 2007 @ 01:04 pm
the subject title says it all my friends. i shall say no more.... :-(